Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
