I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
