Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
