I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
