Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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