We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
