so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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