he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
