That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you didnt know i had herpes?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
