god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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