Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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