Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
