she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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