you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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