He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
