I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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