I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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