I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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