did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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