There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
