Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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