My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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