Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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