I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
