his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
