Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
