I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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