If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
