She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
