I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
