So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I love how my cats smell like pot.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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