I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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