i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
she told me i tasted like america
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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