I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
