If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
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