Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
