he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize