I cannot find my penis.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize