Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
