gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
