you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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