i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
