I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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