It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
