i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
