It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
