Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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