Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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