I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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