I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
