You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
