No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
this is an emotional support booty call
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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