the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
