I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
