i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
