apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize