I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
