The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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