My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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