does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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