Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
