I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize