I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
