So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
