I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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