Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I understand Curling. That high.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
