dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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