i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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