I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
