Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
