I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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