remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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