she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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