I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
