Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
