just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The power of my boobs compel you
All the doctor said was why
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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